World Breaking Cucumber
Beaumont, TX (AP) - Peter McElroy, of Beaumont Texas, has entered his prized cucumber into the Guinness Book of World Records.
The cucumber weighed in at 56 lbs, 3 feet long, and "as big as a tree" around. McElroy showed much glee at his entry winning the coveted Guinness World Record.
"I never even set out to try for it, it just happened. I was planting my garden this year and I must have planted this cucumber seed with all my watermelon seeds. The nearest thing I can tell is that the cucumber was raised by the watermelons and didn't know it wasn't supposed to get this big."
"This brings up a new theory for creating larger foods without genetic tinkering," states James Thurmond, a professor at the University of Houston. "If we can just learn to trick other vegetables into growing big without harmful steroids or manipulating the food at the DNA level, we can solve the world's food problems."
"Of course, then that brings up the question of whether or not the food thinks for itself," comments Mary Hansen, president of the Houston PETA chapter. "Should we now be thinking of vegetables as pets? Do they feel? Do they have emotions and subsequently, vegetable rights? If we pick the vegetable from the vine too soon, with it be damaged for life? Do we need to study fruits to see if they have the same intelligence?"
"I just want my ribbon," laments McElroy, " I don't care about the questions of the universe, I just want something I can frame."
Ted Turner Acquires Funeral Home
Atlanta, GA (AP) - Media Mogul Ted Turner has bought a sprawling funeral home and graveyard out in the countryside near Atlanta, Georgia. After acquiring the surrounding 100 acres, Turner had a press conference to announce his intentions.
Toyota Cleared on James Sikes Prius Runaway Charges
The US Govt released a memo today absolving James Sikes' Prius of any wrongdoing during the March 8 incident where the car's accelerator allegedly became stuck. The car was released upon its own recognizance, pending a formal hearing.