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Tooth Fairy Resigns
By Chuck - Sun, Dec 22, 2002

Tooth Fairy Has Had Enough

Tooth Fairy Has Had Enough

Miami, FL (Associated Press) Citing long hours, extensive travel, dwindling profit margins, and increasing danger, The Tooth Fairy has resigned its position after nearly one hundred years of service. "I'm tired," said Fairy, from its Miami home. "It's time to give it up and let someone else have a chance."

Speaking candidly from the side of its tooth-lined pool and jacuzzi combo, Fairy waxed briefly on the long career that at times was lucrative and rewarding, but always demanding. "I worked day and night, of course, supporting the legend that parents share with children all over the world. If a child knew about me, then I knew about that child knowing me and I knew when a tooth was available for pickup," he said. "How did I know that? I don't really know."

A brief walk down a pathway made entirely of infant incisors, so chosen for their relative flatness, to the Fairy's garden revealed a glimpse into the future for Fairy. "African violets are almost as difficult to grow as orchids," it said. "And these definitely need attention."

Inside the home, the sprawling floor in the large, modern kitchen is also made of the infant teeth. "It cleans up easily with a light brushing, really," Fairy said, "and I love the pearly glow when the sun shines in through the skylights." The floor took many years to create, however, as Fairy used only the finest of teeth. "The bad ones I just threw away, to be honest."

As far as a successor, the immediate future is unclear. Because Fairy uses an unknown and unseen information gathering system, which it claims is accurate to within a bedroom or two but cannot differentiate between top and bottom bunks, it will be difficult for another fairy to step in and continue operations.

Package delivery giant FedEx is interested in taking over the system, but cautions that parents would have to set expectations to a two-day turnaround and add another day if it spans Sunday. Fedex would also need a speedy tooth authentication system "to avoid Billy-Bob fakes or animal teeth" as children and adults might seek to take advantage of FedEx non-fairiness, according to spokesperson David Graham.

In the meantime, Fairy's neighbors will be glad that the comings and goings of Fairy at all hours of the day and night are over. Fairy's 1989 Toyota Starlet, for example, has 2.7 million miles--all on the same tires. "One must understand, of course, that I'm a member of an elite team," Fairy quipped. "Tolls, tires, oil changes, insurance, I never had to worry about them."

Gasoline for the trips, however, was part of the expenses. "The Mid-East oil crisis in the 70's really jacked me up," Fairly acknowledged, "as I was driving a Caprice Classic at the time. I later picked up a Pinto Runabout for the mpg's and didn't have to worry about the safety issues."

Fairy admits it will be strange to leave the airports and highways behind, but won't miss the increasing difficulty of the job due to home security systems that detect motion, vigilant neighborhood watches, and watchdogs. "I'll miss some part of it, I'm sure, but for now I'm just ready to rest," Fairy added.

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older stories


Hewlett-Packard To Introduce FoodJet 2000

newer stories

Palo Alto, CA (Associated Press) U.S. computer giant Hewlett-Packard is poised to release the latest in its long line of printers early in 2003, finally bridging the gap between bytes and bites.

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